Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
