So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
