I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
