i don't like sucking hair
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
