I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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