Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
