i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
