He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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