I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
