You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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