The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
