Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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