I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
