She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
