He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
