tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
