Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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