I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
