I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
