she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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