I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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