So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
