hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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