had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
