Swine flu. Run for my life!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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