Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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