I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
