I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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