i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
