In the future we'll all be gay
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
