this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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