We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
