Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
