Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
