If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
