My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
