Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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