Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
