She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
