Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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