see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
