There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
