I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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