just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i out mim tonsoeep
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
