U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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