Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
