I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
