why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Terrible idea I love it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
