Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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