if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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