It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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