sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
