He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
