Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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